Embracing the next phase, last chapter, golden era or third act of your existence is the final frontier of embracing your life’s adventures. To quote Betty Davis – “getting old isn’t for sissies.” But, you are rich if you have one friend you’ve shared many years with. So if your funny bone isn’t in a cast and you’re willing to give a senior a chance at a new venture, here’s my attempt at embracing the next round of events unfolding in the world of boomers as I see it.
- Turning 65 is graduation day from the school of life – did you get a BA, Masters or PhD?
- Peer pressure is starting to decline – self acceptance is definitely on the rise.
- It took a lot of work to get “over that hill”, but you’ve truly “come a long way baby”.
- Comfortable shoes and comfortable with self – ahhhhhh.
- The only jewellery you need you already have – gold in the teeth and silver in the hair.
- You can now enjoy selective hearing.
- Everything looks softer through cataracts.
- Discounts, discounts, discounts – and you’re legal now.
- Go for that PhD – it’s discounted too.
- Use to be window shopping for stilettos and miniskirts – now its catalogue shopping for Lazyboys and walkers.
- ALL naps at ALL times are ALL legal.
- Losing your memory CAN be a good thing.
- Keep your mind full and your bowels empty. – Leo Buscaglia
- Drugs are plentiful and discounted.
- Scrabble and bridge have replaced tennis and rock concerts.
- Your own children are sporting gray hair and muffin tops.
- Driving is tenuous – driving people crazy is titillating.
- Teeth are longer – memory is shorter.
- Using the remote, getting up from your chair and walking to the bathroom are all considered exercise.
- Wearing pads for laughing leakage is reminiscent of pre-menopausal times, but now it’s without the PMS – yeehaw.
- You enjoy dinner by 4:00pm and jammies by 6:00pm
- Fibre and “fast relief” have replaced steak and junk food in your shopping cart.
- Bran, prunes, raisins, Shredded Wheat and All Bran are staples in your pantry.
- All your medications and vitamins can be considered a meal replacement.
- Green bananas are good exercise for your mouth and won’t stress your teeth.
- You think twice about corn on the cob, steak and hard candy.
- You can legally blame body noises on the dog, cat or any kitchen appliance.
- It’s ok to make love with the lights on again – just be sure to remove your glasses.
- Viagra can make you feel like a teen again – causing blindness and erections that last for hours.
- In the morning you can look pretty good as your partner needs an hour to get their eyes focused.
- Making love is accomplishing one thing with two outcomes – you don’t have to exercise the next day.
- All the twisting, gyrating, jumping up and down to get into your exercise tights IS your exercise for the day.
- Walkering has replaced jogging.
- You seriously consider having a stripper pole installed next to your bed – as an aid, not a delusion.
- 911 is the first number on your speed dial list.
- Bra size 36 C is now 36 long.
- You use to be 36, 26, 36 – now you’re 40 all the way.
- Spandex, lycra and stretch fabrics are your new wardrobe fashion statements.
- A pony tail use to give you a facelift – now its a whole body lift.
- It use to be “Girls Gone Wild” – now it’s eyebrows doing the same thing.
- A facial weed wacker has replaced the garden variety.
- Your cosmetics drawer is now sharing space with your medications.
- You use to try to look like the Hollywood stars – now you avoid looking like those same ones.
- You don’t care where your spouse goes as long as you don’t have to go too.
- If you’re single your ideal date ends at 8:00. That’s PM – use to be AM.
- Your ideal date is staying home and conversing through Skype – something nice and dull is delightful.
- Discussions about cute guys/girls are replaced with talk of fibre and bowel movements.
- The sandwich generation is over – now it’s the crusts of life.
- As a child you lost your teeth and wore diapers. Round two is coming up.
- While you’re down there picking up that item you dropped you can catch up on your prayers – it’ll be a while getting back up.
- You start celebrating milestones monthly rather than yearly.
- Retirement is twice as much freedom with half as much money, but half as much needs to be spent.
- A good cane replaces a can of mace.
- Finding a bathroom is as exciting as free wings at happy hour use to be – and less expensive.
- No need to remember how to spell $10 words – “um” and “uh” are a regular part of your vocabulary.
- Post-it Notes make an easily adjustable wall covering.
- The 200% zoom feature on your web browser eliminates the need for glasses.
- Your contacts list has far more health care specialists now.
- The remote saves 10 minutes on channel changing by getting up and out of the chair to turn the dial.
- Weed WAS for pleasure, NOW it’s for pain (and with any luck – continued pleasure too).
- It use to be popping pills and smoking joints – now its popping joints. – S.L. Graber
- A hip joint is now a hip joint. Pa da-cha!
- You remember “Jack Parr” and “I Love Lucy” before re-runs – when there was no McDonald’s or Monday night football.
- Your bucket list has a hole in it – but it really doesn’t matter anymore.
- Minimize regrets – STOP resisting reasonable temptations.
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Whatever age you’re at, grab all the fun you can, laugh till you cry, jump, don’t step, outside your comfort zone and just go for the gusto. And while you’re at it, why not take the time to freely share the rich tapestry of knowledge and experience that is your life’s legacy. I’ll bet it’s a goldmine of value.
– Sharon Danley
